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I wonder how some people can sleep at night doing the things that they do and saying the things that they say. My son never asked to be here and I never want him to feel like he is a burden to anyone. He is the love of my life and I would sacrifice anything for him. I don't get how a man can put himself on child support and not pay, then put his needs and wants before his childs needs. It's just not fair. I didn't make him alone. But I guess life is not fair. People have come and go in our lives promising to be here for him no matter what. I guess no matter what has come and gone and like I felt, I'm here standing alone to raise a little boy. I wasn't blessed to grow up with a father in my life, so I don't know the first thing about being a father to him.
I'm just now learning that people do things for show "just to say they did it" not really meaning it.
I don't mind going without so that my son has. But it truly sucks when I can barely buy him a $4.00 truck and have to keep using the excuse of "it's his first birthday he won't remember it" instead of I don't have the money to do anything for him. We have to have somewhere to live, means to get to and from work, school, and the dr. And I refuse to deprive him of time by getting a second job.
I know some other people's situations are worse and I believe that's what keeps me going daily.
It hurt like hell when obtaining Aden's christening certificate they asked for the fathers name.....I requested for them leave it blank or omit the field because he's not in his life. He shows up for 12 hours at the most and disappears either behind his family or into the wind, nine times out of ten both.
I won't get started on the dude that wanted to declare that he was Aden's father to step in his biological father's place and "be a man", epic fail. That was the biggest joke ever. People fail to realize that whatever happens....there is still a child involved. That was why I did the things I did, to show him that he wouldn't be there thru the thick and the thin. Sometimes you have to test people to see them for who they really are. It was fine, dandy, and peachy while he was in the NICU the moment he came home, everyone scattered.
Almost a year later, I can say I've embarked on this journey of parenthood alone, only God carrying me and my son. Because I know had it not been for Him I would be relying on man to help me, out in the streets somewhere with nothing.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night worrying and may toss and turn a bit, but thankfully God blessed me with a beautiful spirited little boy that wakes up even if I don't make a sound and gives me that look that says I'm doing something right then he rests his head on my face grabs my shirt and holds on tight and falls back to sleep causing me to fall asleep too. I'm so thankful for him.